"Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is." - Mandy Hale
This is one of the most humbling lessons I've had to learn for two reasons:
1.) Expectations are complicated.
2.) Letting go is hard.
Sometimes it's still easy to lapse into bitterness. I'm currently preparing to take what feels like a giant step forward into the future I never planned for. A future I know little about and certainly didn't ask for. This is where the bitterness comes in: when it feels hard and scary and overwhelming, it's easy to dissolve into but I shouldn't have to be dealing with this. This wasn't supposed to happen. It's not fair.
And it's not.
Something my sister said to me early on that has stuck with me ever since is that dreams can change. I know now that there is hope here; but for a long time it felt like my dreams were falling apart and being taken from me against my will. My dreams of being a wife and a mother suddenly became question marks. Dreams of happily ever after felt nonexistent. I was afraid to hope for second chances, because they were second chances I never in a million years believed I'd need.
This time last year I couldn't imagine ever really being happy again. Now, though, I'm happier than I can ever remember being. I regularly experience a joy I didn't ever believe was attainable for me. And I'm just getting started. I've found such beauty and freedom in learning letting go of old dreams and daring to dream new ones. It has been messy and painful and healing all at once. And now I can appreciate that I've got a lot of life ahead of me, and I get to make it up as I go.
For so long I've lived in this tension that is aftermath and transition. It occurred to me recently that for the first time in almost two years, I'm not actually transitioning anymore. I've adapted to life after trauma, and now I'm just living it. I don't have to keep thinking of myself and my life in terms of my past. It doesn't have to be my time stamp or reference point anymore. I'm ready to let it go and leave it behind me where it belongs.
Granted, things will still come up. I'll meet them when they do. Until then, it's full speed ahead into the big, beautiful unknown that's waiting for me.
And I get to do whatever I want with it. Dreamy, right?
