Feeling Deeply

I am a feeler. I feel a lot of things and I feel them deeply. You could call me emotional, but I'm not sure that's entirely fair in this particular context. I am, in fact, emotional. I always have been. It might even be the truest thing about me. But I believe that I am emotional as a result of my feeling deeply. Labeling someone as "emotional" almost always has a negative connotation attached, hence the unfair part. What's wrong with feeling deeply? Can't "emotional" be a symptom of having a big heart instead of a dismissal?

I'm learning that there are a lot of different ways to carry emotion. It's not something to hide behind. For a long time I let the fact that I am "emotional" be my banner, but feeling deeply is not and cannot be an excuse for inappropriate or manipulative behavior. Emotions can be completely valid and also completely subjective. I tend to be about 80/20 when it comes to emotions and logic. I think that can be okay as long as I learn to tread wisely.

I'm currently reading Rising Strong by Brené Brown. Early on in the book, she uses the phrase "the stories we make up" pretty cavalierly, and as soon I read it, all the lights went on. It was one of my biggest ah ha! moments in a long time:

Other people do it too.

I've always referred to it as "filling in the blanks." When I'm anxious or afraid or worried, or if I don't have all the details about something, or if something's making me feel uneasy, I fill in the blanks. I make up stories with the information I don't have. This is something that has always come so easily to me. I make up stories and I believe them. I react emotionally, even physically to them. A lot of the time, once the story starts to take shape, I almost instantly accept it as truth. I behave as though it's the truth. And in my head, it makes sense (of course it does, I'm the one who made it up). But once the story is there, it's as if nothing else could possibly be true instead. There is no alternative.

This is a very dangerous and painful habit.

I've known for a while that I do this, and I've slowly been working on unlearning some bad habits. In Rising Strong, Brené talks about meetings she has with her colleagues, and how they all routinely use the phrase "this story I'm making up is..." in order to be transparent and honest with one another. She raves about how much stronger this tactic makes her team and how much respect they all have for each other's honesty. Not to mention the fact that it often helps to clear up simple misunderstandings. I'm slowly learning to do that. I'm learning to ask direct questions instead of make assumptions, and I'm learning to be honest (and sometimes blunt) about what I'm feeling or afraid of in order to be understood. It's weird and it's hard and it really goes against the grain for me. It's uncomfortably vulnerable. But the peace that follows clarifying things I don't understand and knowing what's true is infinitely better than the downward spiral that is believing the stories I make up. I'm always telling the patients I discharge, "If you're unsure about something or you have a question, don't hesitate to call your doctor. Even if it feels small or silly or it's the middle of the night, it's better to know than to wonder and worry." I'm realizing as I type this that I need to do a better job of taking my own advice. It's better to know than to wonder and worry.

Although maybe on varying levels, making up stories is something we all do. Knowing that feels so unbelievably validating. Acknowledging and understanding it for what it is is huge, and it feels like a big step forward for me. It feels like getting better.

The thing about feeling deeply is that while I feel things for valid reasons, I also feel deeply as a result of the stories I make up. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting, and at times it has caused me hurt the people I love. To feel deeply, whether a blessing or a curse, inevitably results in feeling deep pain. I often scrape the bottom of the barrel, so to speak. But I want to believe that that means that my emotional range goes both ways, that I am also capable of feeling joy unspeakable.

I'm learning, and it's helping me hope.