Real Talk

Fact: I'm sad a lot.
Fact: Sometimes I spontaneously burst into tears just because it's been a while.
Fact: I don't sleep well and consistently haven't for 9 months (and counting!)
Fact: Some days, it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. (Some days I don't).
Fact: Sometimes the fact that I'm not an alcoholic feels like a huge personal victory.

I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with these things.

Sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore. So often I find myself thinking, "Can just one great thing please happen to me already?!" But would that even help? Maybe, maybe not. I'm trying to figure out how to grieve the things I've lost and also the things I thought I had that it turns out I didn't. I'm also trying to figure out how to grieve the future I thought was ahead of me and somehow create space for something totally new and unknown. It's completely exhausting. Also, horrible. So much of the time I want to stomp my feet and scream because I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I want to be done. I want to be happy and hopeful, but I have to work hard to be those things a lot of the time, and that's exhausting. Angry and sad and cynical and bitter are easier. They're bigger and louder and constantly screaming in my ear.

I'm feeling 74334579876421470 things all at once and learning how to let myself feel them and be okay with it, because they are real and valid and necessary. My brain knows this, but my heart is so tired. It's all so messy and complicated and it feels completely impossible. But it's the truth and it's real. It is what it is, and there's not a lot I can do except let it be and feel it; which I'd say is probably comparable to being on fire and also being run over by a steamroller while drowning. You may be thinking to yourself, "Those things can't happen all at once!" Well, I'm here to tell you that metaphorically, they sure as heck can. Spoiler alert: it's the pits.

It feels so unfair that most people have no idea how hard I'm working to keep my shit together. At all times. [Note: My shit is the furthest thing from together. I am constantly reminded of this. (See fire/steamroller/drowning comment above)]. But you can't just walk around like a humongous train wreck all the time because it freaks people out and gets in the way of things like having a job and being in public without people questioning your sanity.

I know that being in love isn't everything, but it's what my big gaping hole is shaped like right now. On my best days, I can believe I'm going to be okay. But on my worst days, I feel like this is slowly killing me. I have a lot of worst days. If I can't be honest about that, I'm pretty sure it's only going to kill me faster.

So I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to remember to leave room for grace. After all, I'm making it up as I go and doing the best I can. It's hard and it hurts all the time but I'm doing it.

Hope is exhausting.