You Know What Sucks?

Feeling like you might actually be certifiably insane. To believe or feel something so strongly one minute, then to be presented with something completely unexpected that distorts reality and makes you feel and believe the direct opposite. It's like I'm constantly having to assemble my mindset: what I believe to be true, and how I feel as a result, based on the information I have. But my mindset is delicate, like a house of cards, because everything inside me is still ebbing and flowing and there is so much I don't know and that's out of my control. The tiniest thing can undo it all: news, a memory, a dream, a tweet, a text. One minute I'm very carefully assembling this house of cards that is what I know and how I feel, and the next the cards are flying all over the place and I have no idea what happened. All I know is that I have to start all over again and somehow all the cards are different now. It's tedious and it's exhausting and I have no idea how to break the cycle. It feels like I can't win.

It's unbelievably frustrating. I feel like a psychopath. I feel unstable. I constantly have emotional whiplash because I can't keep up with myself. There is too much inside of me and there are too many external variables. Fear, doubt, hope, compassion, anger, nostalgia, love, suspicion, pain, curiosity, grief, confusion, etc. all compete for space in my head along with the questions about whatever is going on apart from me that I have zero control over. I feel everything full-force and all at once. I honestly don't know how I've managed to keep my head from exploding. I sometimes find myself wondering if this is what a psychotic break feels like. Realistically, I know I'm not actually crazy, but it still sucks to feel crazy for reasons that are beyond my control. (And coincidentally to have spent an entire year of my life essentially being told that I was crazy). I didn't ask for this. I'm doing the best I can, but it doesn't always feel like my best is enough. My heart feels heavy and my mind feels foggy and I have to try to figure out how to function despite it.

It's hard.
It sucks.
I hate it.
And yet, there is no alternative.
So I scream.
And cry.
And break things.
And then I start building again.
Because I don't have any other options.