2018

Historically, I've never been all that into celebrating New Years, mostly because I've never had anything cool to do. But the last couple of years have me appreciating the symbolism now more than ever. I love the idea of celebrating the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another, of reflecting on the past and looking to the future. I love the newness and the possibility. The proverbial blank slate.

In my blog post from last New Years Eve, I wrote the following:

To me, 2017 is full of possibilities and trips and bucket list check marks because I desperately need it to be. I need to believe that 2017 can be better because I can't imagine how it can possibly be worse. Every day I'm fighting and clinging so tightly to hope that it hurts, and I need the newness, even if it's simply buying a new day planner and training my brain to write a 7 instead of a 6.

This year is about healing and taking good care of me. It's about challenging myself and putting myself out there and doing things I've always wanted to do, because why not? If not now, when? Right now, so much of this new year is a giant question mark. The only things I know for sure are the very few plans I've made, which is just the way of it, but it's still completely terrifying. I have no idea how a lot of things are going to shake out. So many things that I entered 2016 believing to be true have turned out otherwise. As necessary as the newness of 2017 feels, the uncertainty of it makes my head spin. (12.31.16)

2017 was the year I fought for. At some point I started referring to it as the Year of Kaila. It was a year of firsts and achieving goals and traveling the world. It was also a year of breaking and healing; a year of feeling, of exploring my deepest and messiest places and learning how to love them. It was a year marked by hope and self-care. A long and grueling journey through pain, heartache, grief, rage and a million other things; and learning how to begin to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

It was a year of doing impossible things.

I am so grateful for the contrast between this New Years and last. Where 2017 began full of heartache and fear and uncertainty, 2018 has begun with feeling ready for whatever's next. Where last year was about healing, this year is about reclaiming: Truth. Identity. Self-worth. Confidence. JOY. Life to the fullest, and a future that's mine to create.

I'm making it mine. I'm making my own rules and I'm making them up as I go.

2018 is about freedom; recklessly pursuing, maintaining, and guarding it. It will be a year of adventures and #yolo and trying new things and carpe diem. Of traveling the world. Of setting goals and achieving them.

2018 is living my best life and becoming my best self.

So, cheers to contrast; and to what's new and what's next.