Not for Nothing

I used to spend a lot of time worrying that moving on and being okay would somehow invalidate everything I've been through or negate all the hard work I've had to put in to get to where I am. I had this fear that if I could get to being okay, it might mean that what happened to me wasn't that big of a deal after all. But the more time that passes, the more my heart heals, the more I'm understanding that the opposite is true. I'm not the same person I was. I'm stronger, braver, and more self-aware than I've ever been. I've wrestled with varying degrees of anxiety, panic, self-injury, suicidal ideation, betrayal, grief, and the deepest heartache; and I've walked away stronger. I've even been told that I look and sound different.

Objectively, my ex-husband's affair was a very big deal. It was a trauma; one that I genuinely thought was going to kill me. Just because divorce is common doesn't mean it's not a big deal. It leaves nothing untouched and comes with its own specific renditions of breaking and pain and grief. Regardless of the circumstances, it's devastating.

AND, (I'm learning to replace my "buts" with "ands" to hold space for more than one true thing at a time).

I'm still here. Standing taller than I ever have. Having more good days than bad ones. Confident. Loving myself. Feeling proud of who I am and how hard I fought to get here. Almost entirely anxiety-free (which I never thought I'd be able to say). Healing. Happy. Hopeful.

Very few people are going to really understand the extent of what I've been through, and I'm learning to be okay with that. The control freak in me really struggles with the reality that people are going to make assumptions and draw their own conclusions when they learn that I'm divorced. I feel this constant, frantic need to explain, fueled by the fear that being divorced reflects poorly on me. (Cue the inevitable downward spiral that is oversharing and never not awkward). But I'm learning to let go of what's not mine to hold and to hold loosely to what I can't control. I'm humbled again and again by how true it is that other people's opinions of me are none of my business. The people closest to me know, and that's all that matters.

For a long time, I had to keep telling myself over and over that "I can do this." Eventually, that became "I am doing this." Now I'm beginning to feel the shift toward "I did it."

I did the thing I thought was impossible. And it wasn't for nothing.