Fact: I'm sad a lot.
Fact: Sometimes I spontaneously burst into tears just because it's been a while.
Fact: I don't sleep well and consistently haven't for 9 months (and counting!)
Fact: Some days, it's all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. (Some days I don't).
Fact: Sometimes the fact that I'm not an alcoholic feels like a huge personal victory.
I'm trying to figure out how to be okay with these things.
Sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore. So often I find myself thinking, "Can just one great thing please happen to me already?!" But would that even help? Maybe, maybe not. I'm trying to figure out how to grieve the things I've lost and also the things I thought I had that it turns out I didn't. I'm also trying to figure out how to grieve the future I thought was ahead of me and somehow create space for something totally new and unknown. It's completely exhausting. Also, horrible. So much of the time I want to stomp my feet and scream because I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I want to be done. I want to be happy and hopeful, but I have to work hard to be those things a lot of the time, and that's exhausting. Angry and sad and cynical and bitter are easier. They're bigger and louder and constantly screaming in my ear.
I'm feeling 74334579876421470 things all at once and learning how to let myself feel them and be okay with it, because they are real and valid and necessary. My brain knows this, but my heart is so tired. It's all so messy and complicated and it feels completely impossible. But it's the truth and it's real. It is what it is, and there's not a lot I can do except let it be and feel it; which I'd say is probably comparable to being on fire and also being run over by a steamroller while drowning. You may be thinking to yourself, "Those things can't happen all at once!" Well, I'm here to tell you that metaphorically, they sure as heck can. Spoiler alert: it's the pits.
It feels so unfair that most people have no idea how hard I'm working to keep my shit together. At all times. [Note: My shit is the furthest thing from together. I am constantly reminded of this. (See fire/steamroller/drowning comment above)]. But you can't just walk around like a humongous train wreck all the time because it freaks people out and gets in the way of things like having a job and being in public without people questioning your sanity.
I know that being in love isn't everything, but it's what my big gaping hole is shaped like right now. On my best days, I can believe I'm going to be okay. But on my worst days, I feel like this is slowly killing me. I have a lot of worst days. If I can't be honest about that, I'm pretty sure it's only going to kill me faster.
So I'm cutting myself some slack and trying to remember to leave room for grace. After all, I'm making it up as I go and doing the best I can. It's hard and it hurts all the time but I'm doing it.
Hope is exhausting.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Thoughts In Response To 13 Reasons Why
I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why.
I read the book about three years ago and really loved it, so I was disappointed to hear so many negative reviews about the Netflix series. I started hearing words like "triggering" and "dangerous" and worried that I was misremembering something, or that maybe I was wrong for liking it in the first place. After finishing the series tonight though, I stand by my original assessment. Overall, I loved it, although I do see a lot of valid points being made against it. I believe it is absolutely triggering for a lot of people, and I applaud those who are able to recognize that and steer clear. The decision of whether or not to watch this show requires a lot of self-awareness. It will be eye-opening for some and poison for others. (I also think that's true about a lot of things, and not just this particular show. Everything is controversial these days). It was definitely, at times, extremely difficult to watch. I watched much of the finale through my fingers and cried. It's heavy and so heartbreaking. But it's also a reality for so many people. My hope is that amid anger at the show's flaws, we also leave room to grieve the lost and hurt with the hurting.
I may be one of few people who has struggled with self-harm and thoughts of suicide and wasn't triggered by the show. I credit some of that to already knowing what happens, having read the book. It's easier for me to compartmentalize this particular story as fiction, and I really respect Jay Asher's boldness and willingness to address such a sensitive topic. He created a plot that I found entertaining and suspenseful, and brought characters to life that I either strongly connected with or seriously hated. I emotionally invested in the story and in the characters. The plot demanded my attention. It's fiction, but it's exactly the kind of thing that could happen. That does happen. That's the kind of story I love to read: real, raw, honest. That, in my opinion, is creative brilliance.
I also think the story makes a lot of important points that deserve attention:
- How we treat each other matters.
- We take a lot for granted.
- Our actions have consequences (and we need to take responsibility for both the actions and the consequences).
- Pain is real. [Soapbox: I am a nurse. In health care, pain is considered the sixth vital sign (along with temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation). Pain is literally defined as whatever the person feeling it says it is. We treat it objectively. I so strongly believe that this should be true of all pain: mental, emotional, spiritual. You don't get to tell me what I should or shouldn't be feeling just like I don't get to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. Pain is real and alive and should be treated as such.]
- You never know what's going on in someone else's head or heart.
- Assumptions are dangerous.
- We only see what other people let us see and vice versa.
- Secrets can kill. Literally and metaphorically. (This one goes deep for me, but more on that another time).
I hope this series gets people talking even more than they already are. We need to talk about the hard things. We all deserve to feel freedom to say what we think and how we feel, even and especially when it's hard. Because life is hard and being a person is hard and we're all in this together. When it comes to the show, do you. Love it, hate it, watch it, or don't. Either way, I strongly encourage you to join the conversation.
Let's talk about pain.
Let's talk about bullying.
Let's talk about mental health.
Let's talk about suicide.
Let's talk about raising awareness.
Let's talk about how to treat each other well.
And let's love each other, because we're all we've got.
I read the book about three years ago and really loved it, so I was disappointed to hear so many negative reviews about the Netflix series. I started hearing words like "triggering" and "dangerous" and worried that I was misremembering something, or that maybe I was wrong for liking it in the first place. After finishing the series tonight though, I stand by my original assessment. Overall, I loved it, although I do see a lot of valid points being made against it. I believe it is absolutely triggering for a lot of people, and I applaud those who are able to recognize that and steer clear. The decision of whether or not to watch this show requires a lot of self-awareness. It will be eye-opening for some and poison for others. (I also think that's true about a lot of things, and not just this particular show. Everything is controversial these days). It was definitely, at times, extremely difficult to watch. I watched much of the finale through my fingers and cried. It's heavy and so heartbreaking. But it's also a reality for so many people. My hope is that amid anger at the show's flaws, we also leave room to grieve the lost and hurt with the hurting.
I may be one of few people who has struggled with self-harm and thoughts of suicide and wasn't triggered by the show. I credit some of that to already knowing what happens, having read the book. It's easier for me to compartmentalize this particular story as fiction, and I really respect Jay Asher's boldness and willingness to address such a sensitive topic. He created a plot that I found entertaining and suspenseful, and brought characters to life that I either strongly connected with or seriously hated. I emotionally invested in the story and in the characters. The plot demanded my attention. It's fiction, but it's exactly the kind of thing that could happen. That does happen. That's the kind of story I love to read: real, raw, honest. That, in my opinion, is creative brilliance.
I also think the story makes a lot of important points that deserve attention:
- How we treat each other matters.
- We take a lot for granted.
- Our actions have consequences (and we need to take responsibility for both the actions and the consequences).
- Pain is real. [Soapbox: I am a nurse. In health care, pain is considered the sixth vital sign (along with temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, respiratory rate, and oxygen saturation). Pain is literally defined as whatever the person feeling it says it is. We treat it objectively. I so strongly believe that this should be true of all pain: mental, emotional, spiritual. You don't get to tell me what I should or shouldn't be feeling just like I don't get to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. Pain is real and alive and should be treated as such.]
- You never know what's going on in someone else's head or heart.
- Assumptions are dangerous.
- We only see what other people let us see and vice versa.
- Secrets can kill. Literally and metaphorically. (This one goes deep for me, but more on that another time).
I hope this series gets people talking even more than they already are. We need to talk about the hard things. We all deserve to feel freedom to say what we think and how we feel, even and especially when it's hard. Because life is hard and being a person is hard and we're all in this together. When it comes to the show, do you. Love it, hate it, watch it, or don't. Either way, I strongly encourage you to join the conversation.
Let's talk about pain.
Let's talk about bullying.
Let's talk about mental health.
Let's talk about suicide.
Let's talk about raising awareness.
Let's talk about how to treat each other well.
And let's love each other, because we're all we've got.
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