I recently started noticing that I haven't been showing up all the way; that most of the time, when I interact with people, I only partially engage. It's like part of me is having a conversation, but most of my attention and energy is focused on mercilessly overanalyzing every part of the interaction and worrying about how I'm being perceived. As I'm putting myself out there and meeting new people and making new friends, I've found that I'm basically holding my breath at all times waiting for it to come up.
It being the fact that I'm divorced. It feels like a defining characteristic. It also feels like some dirty secret I'm keeping from the people in my life now who didn't know me then.
It seems I've been making the unfortunate mistake of believing that my divorce is the most significant thing about me. I've been operating under the delusion that being divorced subtracts from who I am and what I have to offer. To be totally honest, I struggle a lot with feeling ruined because of it. Making new friends feels bittersweet, because I worry that when they find out, they'll think I'm ruined too. This headspace has been slowly sucking the life out of me. It was beginning to affect my work, my energy, my mood, my body. I was so stuck in my head all the time and starting to feel depressed and withdraw again.
I'm so very thankful for my therapist and my people and safe places and gentle, yet fierce reminders of what's true:
Being divorced doesn't define me and I am not ruined.
Who I am today is objectively my best, strongest, most confident self. Who I am has been to hell and back and is braver, wiser, and more self-aware for it.
And so I'm learning to be mindful and intentional about checking in with myself:
- What am I believing today?
- How am I showing up?
- Where is my head?
- How is my heart?
I'm learning to ask these questions, answer them honestly, separate truth from lies, and re-center as needed. I want every interaction to be intentional, because now is all we have. I want people to see and experience my best and most present self; the vast and dynamic person I am, chaos and all. Because I fought hard to become her. Because I'm proud to be her (even if I still need reminding from time to time).
I also find myself humbled and challenged (and re-challenged) by this quote:
"What people in the world think of you is really none of your business." - Martha Graham
People are going to draw their own conclusions. What other people think of me is out of my hands and shouldn't affect how I carry myself, anyway. All I can do is be who I am. My people know and understand me, and the right new people will get to know and understand me.
I'm a work in progress, and learning (again) to be okay with it.
I'm a work in progress, and learning (again) to be okay with it.
