How are you?

Lately, I find myself so irritated whenever someone casually asks me how I'm doing. My honest answer is never "good" or "fine" anymore, but I don't think people are prepared for or even expect an honest answer. This is a simple and seemingly polite exchange that happens to everyone several times a day. We ask people how they're doing like we already know the answer. We ask the question without really putting much thought into the response, because we expect to hear "good, how are you?"  We ask the question and then tune out, because our part of the interaction is done. It's like "how are you?" has become more of an acknowledgement than an actual question. We ask each other how we're doing because it's something to say.

For this reason, whenever someone asks me how I'm doing, I cringe. I've started alternating between "okay" and "doing alright." It's not the truth, but it's more honest than "good."

How am I actually doing? Depends on when you ask me.
Sometimes it's sad.
Sometimes it's angry.
Sometimes it's anxious.
Sometimes it's distracted.
Sometimes it's crushed. (Usually it's crushed).
Sometimes it's tired. (Always it's tired).
Sometimes it's heartsick.
Sometimes it actually is okay or doing alright.
Sometimes it's even hopeful.

I'm pretty confident that if someone asked me how I was doing, and I replied with any of the above responses, that person would be extremely caught off guard. I'm generalizing here; there are a handful of people who intentionally ask me how I'm doing because they know the circumstances, but you catch my drift. Maybe I'm being sensitive or pessimistic here, but there's a part of me that almost gets offended by the fact that this question gets asked so unintentionally so often. "How are you?" is an extremely loaded question for me, which gets me wondering how many other people for whom it's a loaded question. Shouldn't it be a loaded question for everyone? How you are is a big deal! Being a person is hard. Shouldn't we do a better job of acknowledging that? Shouldn't we be more validating of other people's experiences? Shouldn't we stop trying to believe that everyone is good all the time?

Disclaimer: Right now, I don't actually want to have to give an honest answer to 99% of the people who ask me how I am. I'm not looking for everyone (or anyone, for that matter) to come try to pry my feelings out of me. I don't want to go there most of the time. It's just the principle that gets me. And I am so guilty of it. It's easy to pretend to connect. I've just recently become aware of how cheap it feels, and it's giving me a lot to think about.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." - Plato