Self-Love & Superhero PJs

Before I left for Cancun back in September, my sister bought me a pair of superhero pajamas for my trip. They are super cute, and I tend to love all things Marvel; plus I wanted something to sleep in that wasn't an old t-shirt from high school. But beyond that, I've found that there is something strangely symbolic to me about wearing superhero pajamas to bed as I stumble along doing this thing that feels impossible. Nights are still generally the hardest, but back in September they were so much worse. I wasn't sleeping. If I did sleep, it was a direct result of crying so hard and for so long that I was too physically drained to stay awake. When I slept, I had nightmares. It is for this reason that wearing superhero pajamas feels symbolic. They make me feel like I can do it. Maybe that's silly and dorky, but I am silly and dorky, and I kind of love that about myself. Yesterday, I bought a second pair of superhero pajamas. I'm a big believer in retail therapy, so purchasing them gave me a little burst of happy. Putting them on last night gave me another little burst of happy. I live for my little bursts of happy these days.

Let me explain: My life right now is a big, messy cycle of emotions and questions. Grief, anger, despair, fear, hopelessness...just to name a few. Life really is like a box of chocolates, only in my case it's that you never know when the entire box is going to spontaneously combust. My thoughts, emotions, and questions feel like a constant and literal weight, and they tend to cast a shadow over everything. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that right now, it is what it is, and there's not much I can do except the next thing. All that to say, I still find things to laugh about or that temporarily lift my spirits, and that is a big deal. These are my little bursts of happy. Sometimes it's just a moment or a flicker, and sometimes it sticks around a little longer than that. I am so grateful for them all the same. My little bursts of happy are also my little bursts of hope.

My superhero pajamas are not necessary for me to make it through the night. But they help. They are a simple statement to myself of, "I'm strong and I can do this." Wearing them is such a small thing, but it's something I can do to improve my mood. It's me taking care of me, and that is an act of self-love. The self-love thing is new to me, but it is so important and so necessary. Especially now.